Your presence matters.

When Ankita’s mother Deepa, walked into my counselling room, I noticed the absence of her usual exuberance and cheerful disposition. She slumped into the chair and her eyes swelled with tears.  I could barely hear her say “You know, no matter what I do, I’m unable to help Ankita with her schoolwork. I feel her grades are falling because of me “. On probing further, it became clear to me that she came to this conclusion as she was unable to help Ankita a day before the crucial 5^th grade exam, when she sought her help in solving a specific type of problem the teacher had asked the entire class to practice. Deepa wanted to help her and checked Ankita’s class work and realized that the problem written was incomplete. She wanted to turn to Ankita’s teacher or her classmates’ parents for more clarity and realized she did not have their contact details.  As much as she wanted to do, her busy work schedule prevented her from networking outside the realm of her work.

David is a talented keyboard player and we have always enjoyed his soulful rendition of Fur Elise by Beethoven. He frequently complained about not owing a digital piano despite requesting his parents many times. His parents got him the latest Xbox for his last birthday. He didn’t enjoy playing games on Xbox and continued to wish for digital piano. I discussed this with his parents during monthly meeting. His father seemed surprised and said “I spend most of my time with David playing games. I make it a point to do this, to ensure that I spend as such time with him as possible”.

Most parents are aware that spending quality time is critical to ensure healthy development of kids and believe their presence alone will meet this requirement. The instances cited above establish this is not the case. Let me explain.

Parents presence can be classified as real and virtual. Effective blending of the two will make kids feel secure and loved.

Virtual Presence

This is your key safety net for kids. While kids do not like the idea of parents hovering over them always, they do feel the need for sense of security which parents can provide by reassuring them of their on-demand support for schoolwork, social interaction with friends, pursuing their hobbies or participating in a sport. This will boost their confidence and sense of wellbeing, as you will be their go-to person, whenever they need support in maneuvering these activities and come off with flying colors.

Let’s examine this in the context of Ankita’s mother. Clearly, her lack of effort to network with people related to Ankita’s interests and activities is telling. The go-to person for Ankita i.e., her mother, to help her solve the problem had let her down.

Real Presence

Your presence during family dinner time, an indoor or outdoor game with kids, a party hosted by you for your kid’s friends and so on is one of the two pre-requisites to make this work. The other is to ensure that you and your kids enjoy the time you spend together.

Let’s apply this filter to the comment made by David’s father. Though he enjoyed playing games, David didn’t.  Consequently, the time they spent together resulted in a growing sense of disappointment in David, while his father was convinced that he cared for him. The Xbox gift further widened the gap between the two. Parent’s physical presence with undivided attention to the kid will enable them to pick up subtle signals from kids and relate to them as individuals. When this happens, the probability of a parent striking a chord which resonates with kids’ likes and dislikes increases manyfold.

Best Practices

To make your presence effective for your kids, one must cultivate the ability to tread out of the comfort zone, if required.

1. Acquire enough knowledge in the kids’s area of interest to hold an interesting conversation with her. Share tips and good practices in which she will see value and leverage them when required. If chess is her passion, read up about grand masters and how they excelled in the game and discuss these with your kid.
2. Build a network of contacts aligned to the kid’s activities – his teachers, friends and their parents, sports coach. You can tap into this network when required to help your kid.
3. Do not be judgmental when you kids share their thoughts and anxieties. Listen to them with undivided attention and you may have an effective solution to help her.