Listen to your Kid!

‘Papa don’t preach!” this probably rings a bell for most of us. This title of a popular song by Madonna sums up the reaction of most kids when they hear the continuous barrage of do’s and don’ts parents revel in belching out frequently. Parents place themselves on a higher pedestal and wear a preacher’s cap when they play this part. Does it work? Not really!

Let us start by recognizing how parents react, when the impact of their “preaching” to their kids begins to erode:

“Jamuna doesn’t talk to her friends anymore. Last year she was the most popular student in her school”

“Bala has improved his scores in all subjects except math. His scores are falling consistently”

“Mithili prefers to study at her friend’s place and spends more time socializing with her new friends. Her grades are falling, and I’m concerned”

These are remarks made by a few parents during the initial counselling session.

Parents tend to think that they have learnt critical life lessons the hard way and are anxious to pass on the learnings to their kids anytime an opportunity presents itself to do so. They hope this will make kids better adults in later years. Good intention, but is this the right path?

Why listen to your kid?

The benefits of listening to your kids be may classified generally as:

Emotional Stability

Jamuna was consistently one of the three class toppers till 7^th grade. Thereafter, she seemed to have lost the edge and was barely making the pass grade. The bubbly young kid was popular in her school for leading the school’s quiz team to two consecutive victories in annual state-level quiz competition. Her mother, as a single parent was having a hard time trying to get Jamuna back on track.

I started observing Jamuna’s behavior in the class and concluded that her mother’s observation about her behavior was spot on. I looked further. Her long flowing robes with subtle color combinations caught my eye and she seemed very conscious of it. The next few days led to same observation. Something had changed! I pulled out snaps from last year to check this out. She had always worn trendy attire with bright colors, and it was hard to miss the sparkle in her eyes. When asked about the change, Jamuna said her mother forced her to change her wardrobe, as she was a big girl now. Watery eyed Jamun also said that she hated the dress she was wearing and that her mother just wouldn’t listen to her! On my request, her mother permitted Jamuna to wear the attire of her choice for a day. The real Jamuna came alive in the class!

As recommended, Jamuna’s mother started carving out time from her busy schedule to always listen to Jamuna and discuss her point of view. They now take decisions jointly which makes Jamuna feel that she has been heard and that she has a say in matters pertaining to her. Within a week, she was bonding with her classmates and her scores climbed up in subsequent examinations.

Self confidence

Bala is a smart kid. Good football player and an average achiever in school. However, his scores in math were below average. His parents­­­ were worried for him and pulled him up daily for not spending adequate time to improve his academic scores. Initially, this approach seemed to work but math was an exception. Gradually, the cyclic rise and fall of scores in math was becoming a cause for concern.

During my discussion with Bala, he expressed his opinion that math was not relevant to his goal in life and his parents don’t get this! On probing further, I realized that his passion for  football was holding him back from math. As he was struggling with geometry at that point, I asked him to draw a sketch of the football field and plot passes of the ball among the players and the frequency of passes during his last game. His face instantly lit up when the seeming maze of quick passes of the competing team was clear in a triangular pattern. He had a strategy in place for the next game. His next questions were, can math help me ascertain if my team will win the next match? Can I know how I high to kick the ball to score a goal? When I replied in the affirmative highlighting the concepts of probability and trajectory, he perception about math changed. Every math concept was examined from the prism of football. Since then, he has scored the highest among all the test papers in every examination!

Sense of security

Mithili’s parents are employed and she must fend for herself when she gets back home from school. She has many stories from her day at school to talk about. She was longing to be appreciated for her wins and consoled for the disappointments. At the dinner table, her attempts to talk about her day and feel valued were cut short by her parents. Though they were present at the table, their thoughts were elsewhere. Dinner was always a quiet affair!

A chance visit to her friend’s home presented a contrast. Her friend seemed to have caring and supportive parents. Whenever, they spoke to her friend she was encouraged to join the discussion. She liked this and started to spend more time every day at her friend’s place under some pretext or the other. She wondered if her parents cared for her. The consequent sense of insecurity was a distraction and schoolwork took a back seat.

Her parents agreed to discuss their day at the dinner table and give Mithili enough airtime to discuss her day. One month of this focused effort pulled up her scores.

What worked?

Following suggestions to majority of the parents who faced similar challenge have worked and I’m happy to share this with you:

• It is not possible to always pin down the reason for kids’ behavior by just observing him. It helps to hear them out as a general practice as this may lead to a few pointers to explore. This way, one potential cause – not listening to your kid – is eliminated with minimal effort in the process.
• What worked for you as a child may not be relevant to your kid. Her circumstances are not the same. Always apply the “relevance filter” and resist the urge to look at her opinions/ views through the prism of your experience
• Your listening to them with undivided attention helps them to voice their thoughts and feel valued. At school, they will be confident and participate in any discussion spontaneously.
• Build the bridge with your kid to ensure that you are the first person she can approach whenever she is anxious about something. You are probably the only person in her world who will act in her best interest and listening to her, will enable you to make the necessary course correction on time.