Kids Lying: How to deal with it.

Are these kids lying?

“Radha, did you do your homework? I did it, but I forgot to get my homework book. “

“Robert, I got to know from your friend that you received your English grades today. So where is it? Yes Ma, I did get it. But one of the sheets in my answer sheet was missing so the teacher said, it has to be looked into.”

“Greta, when I came to pick you up from your school one of your classmates told me that you were bullied in school? No Mom, that is not true.”

“Do you know that I saw an alien in the sky? I really did!”

So, what do you think about the about these real-life instances of conversations with children of various age groups? Confident children? Well, they were all blatantly lying.

Children lying is a common cause of concern for most parents. As it is normal for kids to lie, parents let it pass assuming kids will overcome this as they grow up. While this may be true in some cases. it cannot be ignored without understanding the motivation driving such a behaviour and implementing best practices to correct this. By doing this, we can ensure that the kid doesn’t become a habitual liar.

key Influencing Factors

The key influencing factors for a kid to lie are:

Age

Kids in the age group of 3 to 5 years lie to protect themselves irrespective of the circumstances.  They do not realize the difference between truth and lie and therefore, do not apply any filters while lying. For instance, if a kid tears a page from his book in your presence, he will deny having done this, despite knowing that you saw him doing it. A kid in the age group of 6 to 10 yrs will apply filters while lying, to ensure as far as possible, his story is watertight. Nibbling away the cookies in kitchen jar in your absence and denying having eaten the cookies reflects this. The kid knows you have no way to prove him wrong.  Kids in the pre-teens and early teens factor in the social impact before choosing to lie. A case in point is covering up for a close friend for any wrongdoing.

Motivation  

While age of the kid provides us a benchmark to relate to the behaviour, it is only a start. Suitable corrective action can be narrowed down after digging deeper to understand the motivation leading to such a behaviour. Let’s explore the frequent types motivation I have encountered.

Escapism   

“Radha, did you do your homework? I did it, but I forgot to get my homework book. “

This kid maintained her position every time I asked for homework note. One day, I volunteered to drive her home. When we reached home, I asked for her homework book and I realised that she had not even attempted her homework.

Thereafter, whenever she repeated this behaviour, I volunteered to drop her home. This set alarm bells ringing for her, as I may ask for homework after reaching her home. The behaviour changed and she was prompt with her homework, thereafter.

Meeting expectation

“Robert, I got to know from your friend that you received your Math grades today. So, where is it? Yes Ma, I did get it. But as one of the sheets in my answer sheet was missing, the teacher said, it has to be looked into”

I ruled out “fear of punishment” by his parents. During my earlier counselling sessions with his parents they had voiced their views on why they believe punishing kids to correct any wrongdoings was the least effective approach. However, they had set the bar high for Robert and never missed an opportunity to drive this point home. Robert had barely secured passing grade and this meant disappointing the parents!

In the next test again, he scored low marks and the same lie was repeated. A pattern was emerging.  I let Robert know that I appreciate the effort he puts in, to improve his scores and that without his answer sheet I was unable to identify his strengths in Math and help him improve further. Thus, lowering the bar. Robert felt at ease and admitted that teacher shared the grades and answer sheets with him. However, he did not share this with his parents as they will be disappointed. During my next counselling session, his parents agreed to change tact and appreciate Robert for every step forward in his scores.  After 2 months, he started sharing the scores and they improved with each test.  

Maintaining self-esteem

“Greta, when I came to pick you up from your school one of your classmates told me that you were bullied in school. No Mom, that is not true”

The kid’s parents are loving and caring. They make conscious effort to make the child feel secure and confident. At school when she was bullied, Greta’s confidence was dented. Acknowledging that she was bullied meant she was incapable of handing the bully. Further, her mother may lodge a complaint with her teacher and the infuriated bully may target her again! She would rather deal with this on her own. Therefore, she denied getting bullied and was wating for a chance to get even with the bully.

Greta’s mother sought my help. I avoided sympathising with Greta and instead asked her how she would deal with the situation. We jointly worked on building her confidence to enable her to action the plan she chose to deal with the situation. After 3 months, she took the bully head on and incident drew her school principal’s attention! At the end of it, Greta emerged as a more confident person gaining admiration of her classmates.

Attention seeking

“Do you know that I saw an alien in the sky? I really did!”                                      

This is from a 5-year-old kid trying to get the group’s attention by narrating an imaginary scenario. If not corrected, this was bound to become his strategy to seek attention to the point that he may become an object of ridicule to his classmates.

I spent 15 mins every alternate day with the kid listening to his story and asking questions related to this, which required extensive attention to detail. “What was the colour of the dress the alien was wearing?”, “How many fingers did the alien have?” and so on. With every question the attention of his listeners was waning, as he was taking time to respond. After 9 months of sustained effort, he was able to rein in his imagination as the stories were more from personal experiences.

What worked?

Following suggestions to majority of the parents who faced the challenge of children lying, have worked and I’m happy to share this with you:

• Correcting the kid only for his wrongdoing and ignoring the fact that he lied to cover up, will be perceived by her as though the parents have condoned the lie. Any corrective action should factor in both the wrongdoing and the lie that followed.

• Committing to join your kid for his game of football and not being able to make it because your boss called for a meeting may seem acceptable to you. For the kid, it means you have lied to him, however, genuine the reason may be for disappointing him. His take way will be, if you can get away with a lie, so can he.

• Never judge kids when they lie. Give them an opportunity to explain why they lied and understand the motivation behind it.

• Discuss your failures and success with them. Let them realise that you are not infallible. If you have taken failures in our stride and moved on, so can they. You have demonstrated your ability to speak the truth, irrespective of failure or success.